The Sex, Love & Dating Chronicles: Dating

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When I was preparing to write this piece on the intricate, delicate and important topic of dating my prayer to God was “please allow my heart to be pure as I write and let me give information that is helpful and not hurtful.”

I asked that what I write come from a place of wisdom and I asked God what was important. 

I feel like what I got back was a vision of bunch of people literally bloody on a battlefield.

The immediate thought I had was:

“We have to lessen the carnage…we’re out here bleeding out all over each other.”

I think, the truth is: Dating can be full of highs and lows. There’s excitement, chemistry, hopefulness and great times. But we’re in a fallen world so there can also be a measure of disappointment, misunderstanding, confusion, pain and hurt feelings in the process.   

But I do think there’s things we can do to at least lessen the ill effects we have on one another, enjoy the process and keep our joy while navigating these exciting and uncharted waters.   

This post is written from a Christian perspective but there’s a lot of practical information that can be helpful and applicable to anyone.  I hope you’ll stick around.

First, Let’s Go Back In Time…

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay 

Do you remember a time when dating was just…fun?  When you felt natural chemistry and attraction and you were just excited to see and be around someone?  Things were simple.

But something happened.

If you’re anything like me, maybe you noticed a strange shift over the years.  Dating started to feel like war or some kind of game.  And people weren’t playing fair. What used to be (and should still be) something that is fun is now plagued with:

  • Power struggles
  • Ghosting
  • Fickleness
  • A fight to be the one who cares the least
  • Mixed signals
  • Weird, tense, confusing and sometimes, even soul-sucking interactions

…wait we’re out here dealing with all of this voluntarily, like for free?  And if you’re a man you’re more likely to be literally PAYING for any bad treatment you’re running into. Ugh. 

All of this has become such a standard part of the process that I don’t think we even notice half the toxicity for what it is anymore.  Dealing with some pretty absurd and disrespectful stuff has just become business as usual.    

Maybe we need to pump the brakes… 

…can someone please pump the breaks?

I’m pumping the brakes. 

Let’s Be Solution Oriented: What Can We Do?

Since the only person we can and should want to control is ourselves, maybe getting really clear on our “why” and on the big picture would help. 

Why am I dating?

Maybe it’s just to have fun and go with the flow and you want to date recreationally. Do you.  I think there’s definitely a way to do that where you can treat others with decency, how you would like to be treated. Or maybe how you would like someone to treat your brother, sister, cousin or best friend.

Since a lot of the people reading this are Christians, I’m going to ask the same question but from a faith-based perspective: why are you dating?

Many of us, myself included, are likely dating with the ultimate desire of finding “our person.” Not in a crazy, pressured, outcome-driven type of way. 

More in an “I want someone who gets me and I get them too. Someone that is attracted to me the way I am attracted to them, to love and serve God alongside” type of way.

Hopefully if we’re lucky, this connection organically builds into something that is mutually satisfying and flows and blossoms into a God-honoring marriage one day.  An illustration of Christ and The Church. This is a special, beautiful and unique thing God created and nothing to ever feel ashamed of desiring.

I think when you really know the “why,” it makes it easier to know how to proceed.  It makes it easier to identify what you do and don’t want and if what you’re doing is leading you closer to or further away from what you ultimately want.

I think that if our top goal is to honor God in marriage, why not be honoring the people that we meet along the way, whether they’re the person we are going to stay with long-term or not?    

How Do I Do This & What’s The Big Picture?

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay 

I think we do this by meeting people and communicating openly, honestly and transparently.  You get to know them for who they are and hopefully, have fun!  

As I travel through this particular chapter of my journey, it helps me think about the big picture too. Whoever I “end up” with, that person is only “mine” for like 80 years tops, if I’m lucky.  After their journey on earth is done, they’re going to go be with God.

And really, that person doesn’t truly ever “belong” to me in the first place; they belong to Him.  When it comes time to come face-to-face with Jesus and the topic of how I treated His sons comes up (the one I married and all the ones I didn’t), I want to be able to answer yes to the following questions:

  • Did I help direct them to Christ?
  • Did I radiate God’s love and Grace in their life? 
  • Did I help encourage them to become the highest version of the men they’re meant to be?
  • Did I put aside my weaknesses and ego & push myself to care for them as God would want me to? 

Did I live out this verse:

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:9-10).

Wow.  “Take delight in honoring each other.”  Imagine what it would be like if we dated like that.  If we really took pride in respecting and treating each other with dignity along our journeys.    

There certainly would be a lot less bloodshed on the battlefield. 

It Always Comes Back To The Heart

Like I touched on in the last post I did about Love, I think it’s important that we examine where our hearts are.  I’m going to reference the same video which that post was based on: Thick Skin, Soft Hearts, Can’t Lose because I think it really applies to dating too.

Over and over again in scripture, God talks about how He wants His people to have soft hearts. Hearts of flesh rather than hearts of stone.  But I see so frequently and have experienced it myself before: it’s easier to harden our hearts to guard us from the pain.

This is not the answer. 

We are called to have soft hearts that feel, that love, that are responsive to God and his guiding in our lives.  Nowhere in scripture does God tell us to intentionally harden our hearts to cope with life’s difficulties.

But He Does Tell Us To Guard Our Hearts

Image by analogicus from Pixabay 

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

I want to elaborate because I think some people take this to an extreme that it is not meant to be taken to.  I know I certainly have.   

“Guard your heart” does not mean lock it up in the highest steel tower in the castle with a moat surrounding it and a fire-breathing dragon guarding at the door.

I think it’s more about keeping your heart soft, kind and caring but using wisdom and discernment in your day-to-day life situations.  Essentially, being as wise as a serpent but as harmless as a dove (Matthew 10:16). 

This may sound dramatic: it’s the command that Jesus gave the disciples as He sent them out.  He said they would need to be this way because He was sending them out as sheep amongst wolves. 

The dating scene can be pretty dicey.  Dating is an arena that you connect with people in a way that is different and usually more intimate and vulnerable that most other life relationships.  It’s the easiest place for desires to be exploited and for your heart strings to be tugged on if you’re not careful and grounded in reality. 

It certainly can be vicious at times because so many of our human desires are wrapped up in this area of life.  It can be easy to get caught up.

If we’re keeping our hearts soft but guarding them wisely, we are doing a good thing. 

This way we are not taking something beautiful (our heart) and allowing it to be transformed into something dark that it was never meant to be, out of self-preservation.  Instead, we are protecting, cradling and preserving something precious that God has entrusted us to cultivate, treasure and share with those who are able to handle it properly.

Don’t miss out on the beauty of that experience.  Don’t let the world win.               

Q&A from the DM

Image by Dariusz Sankowski from Pixabay 

I opened my Instagram DM for questions, complaints, frustrations, etc. about dating and I got some great responses!  Below I will answer two questions I received:

Q: “How do I gauge if I should wait for a connection to develop with a specific person vs. just keep swiping?”

A: I think that depends on a few things, primarily two factors: the depth and frequency of communication you’ve been having.  If you’ve been speaking frequently and deeply on a consistent basis, over a few months maybe, and you want to know what page the other person is on but it’s not totally clear; I say just ask any questions you want to know.

There’s a delicate balance between letting things unfold organically and the interaction stalling and just not progressing for some reason.  I feel like just having a casual and open conversation can clear up a lot of confusion if there is any. Maybe you’ll learn if you guys mutually want to deepen things, take a step back, just be friends, etc. and you’ll have a better idea of where to go from there.

Q: “How do I seek out someone to date that I can trust after being deceived so many times?”

A: That can be tough.  I would say proceed in dating with confidence but just be super aware and don’t ignore your gut feelings.  One thing I will say from personal experience is almost every single time I was involved with someone I later found out wasn’t trustworthy, there were red flags from the beginning. I ignored the red flags a lot of times but my advice is just not to ignore the red flags; believe them. 

Also, prayer is powerful. God has supernaturally made situations become clearer as I prayed for clarity.  And if you’re really confused, I would try praying and fasting.  I’ve done this before and the results have been crazy.  I really think in time that God reveals all but the hardest part is sometimes accepting what we’re seeing.

3 Things That Make Dating Easier

  1. Keep Jesus First, Always.

No one person makes or breaks your life.  No one, not even yourself and your own mistakes can throw off God’s plan for your life.  Keeping Jesus at the center and remembering that it’s impossible for anyone to ever compete for His role in your life or knock Him off His throne is number one.  He’s the source.  He’s our first love.  He’ll give us everything we need and anything He adds (Matthew 6:33) is a blessing and sprinkles on the top.

2. Don’t Look For A Human Life Raft And Don’t Be One.

Avoid trying to swim over and cling onto someone to save you from drowning in the problems of your life. And don’t let anyone grab you to keep from going under in their ocean of issues.  Yes, we all should help one another but it’s helpful to know the difference between codependence and interdependence. Codependence is: “I’m not okay and can barely function without you.” Interdependence is a mutual and healthy support: “I truly want you but I won’t die without you” type of feeling. 

I feel like the times I’ve tried to grasp onto someone in this way what I really needed was: Jesus, Jesus and more Jesus.  And some therapy.  And to make some adjustments and get accountability to keep me moving in the right direction.  Healthy, mutual support is a beautiful thing but no one can fix me and I can’t fix them. It just doesn’t work.    

3. Know Your Attachment Style. 

One thing that has changed me miraculously over the past several years is learning about attachment theory.  This topic deserves several posts in itself but essentially, your attachment style is formed through your relationship with your primary caregiver(s) when you were young. 

There are exceptions but, in most cases, the attachment style that was formed with your family of origin serves as the template for your romantic relationships.  For better or for worse, those early relationships greatly influence:

  • Our tolerance for closeness- Do relationships easily make you feel smothered and claustrophobic or do you always want to be close to someone and feel you can never be close enough?
  •  Our fears of abandonment-Are we horrified of abandonment or are we the ones who usually feel the urge to abandon others when things get too close?
  • How we communicate-Do you feel stressed if you don’t get a text back immediately or do you feel suffocated by anything more than touching base a couple of times a week?

Our attachment style affects these factors and so many other relationship dynamics.  Here is a basic breakdown of the four attachment styles:

@daniellesuperior info via HealForLife.com

The good news is, no matter what your attachment style is, it’s not set in stone.  Through work and self-awareness, you can actually change your attachment style and gain what is called an Earned Secure Attachment which can completely transform how you date, for the better.

There are endless resources online to learn about your attachment style and this is my favorite Quiz To Learn Your Attachment Style.  It’s quick and free and you can take it as many times as you want to and compare your results and progress over time.

3 Traps In Dating

  1. The Illusion Of Unlimited Choice & FOMO

There’s so many options out there, huh?

I think about it like this:

Even if you dated everyone in your whole entire city, you’re only sampling the tiniest sample of the attractive and interesting people you could potentially meet.  What about all of the attractive people in the whole state?  In the whole country?  On your continent?  Around the entire world?

Wow, imagine everyone you’re missing out on.  Talk about FOMO.  It’s humanly impossible to date ‘em all.    

I don’t think we were created to live with the illusion of unlimited options that the internet, apps and social media affords us. 

This access to such a wide scope even kind of taps into the idea of human’s desiring to possess a small sliver of one of the characteristics that only God himself is supposed to have: omnipresence. 

We want to see it all, experience it all…and till we feel like we have, we can’t possibly clearly evaluate what’s in front of us because…what if there’s something or someone better out there?

I feel like the truth is, there always is someone “better” or not really better technically, but different:

A different beautiful sinner with a different set of flaws that’s going to let you down in different ways than that other beautiful, flawed sinner over there will.    

2. Obsessing Over Self-Improvement To The Point Of Paralysis

I’m 100% for working on ourselves.  The version of myself today is better than the me I was last week, not to mention the me last year or a few years ago.  Let’s all keep working on being and doing better, always. 

I feel like there can be a traps though of thinking “I just need to work on myself right now.” 

The first trap is feeling like when you hit a certain point, you will be “good enough” or more worthy of love.  There may be a point where your self-improvement will have made you an easier person to interact with and date but you won’t be more “worthy” when you lose the weight, pay off the debt, get the job, etc.

The second trap can be waiting until we hit this perfection to act at all.  I think you definitely do want to reasonably have your life under control before bringing someone else on board but I don’t think there’s this magical point of perfection. Even if you feel like you’ve reached it, I think 2020 showed us all that our finances, jobs, health, etc. are all very delicate things that can change in the blink of an eye.

I think God gives the right person for you grace to handle your flaws. Sometimes, I think God even places certain aspects of the solutions to your flaws inside that person, enabling you to walk out the flawed parts of your life together and turn it into a story of victory.     

3. Living With Bitterness, Hatred and/or Fear of The Opposite Sex

This is so easy to fall into after you feel like you’ve been let down or disappointed a few times. I think it’s necessary to refuse to fall into this trap:

“Guys always do this!” or “I should have known, that’s what women are like.” etc.

Sometimes it’s a fight to keep your heart and intentions pure.

A fight not to place all of your frustrations with a few people upon the backs of an entire gender.

In a Christian context this can be even more damaging. If the enemy can cause believers to confuse and hurt one another romantically inside the walls of the church, that’s killing so many birds with just one stone. It steals the attention away from Jesus and the shared mission of the men and women in the church where they should be unified in Christ. In really extreme cases, it can even cause us to doubt and question God’s goodness which can be a major blow to any Christian.

Right before Jesus was betrayed, one of the last things He prayed was for all His disciples everywhere to be one and “to experience such perfect unity that the world would know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me” (John 17:23) . 

This verse can be used to keep people locked into toxic faith-based environments; I’m not talking about that.  In some situations, staying away and breaking ties is actually the most loving and compassionate thing you can do. 

I’m talking about recognizing a situation where the enemy would love to have a field day and instead choosing to follow what God would want both people to do in the situation: to treat one another with courtesy, respect, compassion, patience and honor.

And if Jesus’ sincere and heartfelt prayer in John 17 isn’t motivation to do that, I don’t know what is. ❤ 

Back To The Vivid Image Of The Battlefield…

Image by ArtCoreStudios from Pixabay 

Ah…Sex, Love & Dating. 

Three things that evoke intense passion and emotion.

Three things that help make life vibrant and exciting.

Three things that can cut us to the core, wound us in the most complicated ways and enable us to experience the highest highs and the deepest of depths. 

Truly a battlefield indeed. 

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God” (Ephesians 6:10-11).

Thank God He gives us His Spirit to guide, His word to instruct and His weapons to navigate the trenches. He helps us to fight the good fight and enjoy all of the blessings He pours out after many battles well-fought.

Thank you for joining me and I hope you’ve enjoyed “The Sex, Love & Dating Chronicles.”

❤

Danielle

The Sex, Love & Dating Chronicles: Love

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I regret to inform you that the post I originally planned to write I will not be posting. But I am happy to inform you that what I have for you is something far better. 

If you read my previous Instagram post, (not necessary to read to understand this post but just an added bonus) about Darryl Strawberry preaching on Ephesians 3:20, the story I’m about to tell is the continuation of Ephesians 3:20, in action: 

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.”

In short, if you ask God to teach you about love so you can write about it, He is going to do abundantly more than all you can ask or imagine, through His power that is at work within us. 

Because I can guarantee the goodness of the story I am about to share isn’t about my own power.   

This post was written after 30 minutes of me crying on my living room floor and making a much-needed spontaneous, midnight (east coast time) phone call of reconciliation. 

Like picture whoever in your life is the “oh hell no, that conversation is never happening” person.  This was that call.   

I’ll elaborate on that part later but first, let me explain:

Yesterday evening I was struggling to string together the finishing touches on my post about “Love.”  Let me be real, I wasn’t just having a hard time with the “finishing touches”…

I was having a hard time writing it.  At all. 

I had done all the research. I poured over pages of scripture verses using mostly the book of John as a reference to explain and try to articulate the love of God.  I had compiled notes and talking points throughout the week as I camped out with cups of coffee and a large platter of sweet potato fries at one of my favorite neighborhood cafes with my laptop.  All extra and intellectual-like.      

But something wasn’t flowing. 

Usually when I’m writing, it feels so natural and the right words just seem to come.  It’s the time when I feel like I’m in my rhythm and things are just easy.

Not this time.  I felt so…blocked.

“I feel like I’m ‘getting’ it but I’m not ‘GETTING’ it,” I thought to myself. 

I was frustrated.  I knew I would be posting today and I wanted to bring something authentic which I felt like I was on the verge of totally failing at. 

Maybe I just needed to do even more research.  I scoured YouTube for videos studies on biblical love.  I felt like I was getting warmer but something was still missing. 

As I poured over the videos about God’s love, my heart slowly began to sink as it become increasingly apparent to me how rarely I really, truly and deeply practice totally selfless, Christ-like love. 

Sure, I’m patient with others…if my day is going well and I’m not in a rush. 

Sure, I go out of my way for people…if I really like them a lot. 

Sure, I am happy to lend a hand…if it doesn’t inconvenience me way too much.      

I started to realize I wasn’t having a writing problem or a knowledge problem.  I was smack dab in the middle of a heart problem. 

Has Your Heart Grown Cold?

Image by Alexander Paukner from Pixabay 

It’s insidious and it can happen gradually, sometimes as a result of pure busyness. What’s even trickier is when the busyness is often even motivated by good intentions. So it feels justifiable. I’m present but am I really, truly there?  Do important events and conversations truly penetrate my heart the way they have before? Does love make its way in only partially but bounce off a certain layer where it’s easy to just brush it off and keep it moving like business as usual?

Really feeling things and being truly present for people and situations can be inconvenient and distracting. 

One of the things that has always really struck me about Jesus is how genuinely He had time for people and things and allowed them to deeply affect Him during his time walking the earth as a man.  Just a couple of many examples:

  • Jesus wept at Lazarus’s death (John 11:35) and wept as He looked out over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41). 
  • Jesus was consumed with passion when He saw people were being ripped off inside the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). 
  • He felt such deep anguish as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion that it caused Him to sweat blood (Luke 22:44).  *This is actually a real and rare medical condition called Hematohidrosis, which can happen when someone is under extreme situations involving overwhelming emotional or physical stress.  

Jesus was strong, focused and assured of who He was but at the same time, completely and totally tenderhearted.

Can I say the same thing about myself?

If I’m honest, I know that the first few years of my walk with God, I really felt this way, almost 24/7 and it could be overwhelming.  As I’ve moved further from those days, being truly sensitive in such a way happens in glimpses but it’s not my default mode.  I’m too busy.  Too driven in working towards my “purpose” or whatever productive sounding Christianese is commonly used to excuse why we can’t stop and truly give others the time of day.   

Last night as I struggled to define this out-of-touch feeling, I landed on a video from Red Rocks Young Adults preached by Doug Wekenman that perfectly sums it: Thick Skin, Soft Hearts, Can’t Lose. 

Wekenman preached about a Jesus who “had skin thick enough to willingly walk into an undeserved crucifixion and a heart soft enough to pray for the people who were doing it.”

Hurt People, Hurt People

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay 

It’s such a cliché saying but it’s true.  Usually our hearts get hard in reaction to the regular pains of life. This is a concept the pastor in the video touches on.  He speaks of how most of us have Thin Skin and Hard Hearts so we naturally go through life hurting one another, intentionally and unintentionally. I hurt you, you hurt me.  It’s an inherent feature of our sinful human nature.  We’re sensitive but we’re also calloused. 

Another variant he discusses is having Thin Skin and a Soft Heart, a combination in which life can easily crush you.  A soft heart is beautiful but mixed with thin skin, it makes it easy to feel fragile, weak and to effortlessly crumble under pressure or conflict. 

In order to protect from the people who have hurt you, you can develop a Thick Skin and a Hard Heart.  This can mean you’re a fighter who can power through and survive life’s tough situations and avoid getting hurt again.  But it can also harden you to where nothing can get in. 

I can personally say I vacillate between being a combination of any of these on any given day depending on my mood and circumstances.    

So How Are We Supposed to Love One Another If We’re Like This?

 His answer: develop a Thick Skin and a Soft Heart. 

The prime example he offers as the prototype of displaying this Thick Skin and Soft Heart?

Jesus. 

The one who had the strength to endure getting nailed to a cross while simultaneously having the soft heart to pray for the very ones who were murdering Him.   

How do we love one another and develop this thick skin and soft heart?

We look to Jesus and allow Him to empower us to do like He did…truly love.  Let the grudge go.  Really forgive the person you feel deserves your forgiveness the least.     

As the video closed, I was in tears. 

I love people, I do.  But I also cuss them out in my head sometimes.  At times I drive like a total jerkette in traffic.  I don’t really enjoy engaging in gossip very much but I’ll read it anonymously on the internet sometimes. 

I went ahead blocked a specific catty account on IG I had recently been lurking around.  I felt better already.    

Then I felt myself doing something I never thought I’d do.  All choked up, I felt strongly compelled to make a nearly-midnight-east-coast-time phone call.  I felt intensely that I needed to tell this person in this exact moment all of the things they had done right over the years, when I had previously only ever focused on all their wrongs.  After a peaceful nearly hour-long conversation and an “I love you” that didn’t feel stilted or forced, a weight was lifted.      

This is it.  This is the love I was trying to write about but it is best described in action.

God softened my heart, encouraged me and empowered me to have an impossible conversation. 

He did it exceedingly abundantly. Above all that I could ask or think. According to His power that works in us.

It’s the small everyday things where God meets us and guides us into living out His commandment to love Him with all our heart, soul and mind and to love our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:37-39).       

If it’s safe for you to do so, I encourage you to make that phone call you don’t want to but know you need to make.  I’m not talking about a situation where calling would do more harm than good.  I’m talking about the conversation that you need to have but you’re purposely withholding. Maybe we can take a moment to examine the thickness of our skin and the hardness of our heart. And turn it around and walk in love. 

God can be depended on to meet us there.

<3,

Danielle

The Sex, Love & Dating Chronicles: Sex

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“You’re altogether beautiful my darling, beautiful in every way.”  This is a quote from the Song of Songs, also referred to as Song of Solomon, in the bible.  Song of Songs depicts a smitten couple in the throes of love and romantic attraction, lavishing one another with admiration and praise as their wedding rapidly approaches.

The book depicts a “cat and mouse” style, seek-and-find adventure as the young lovers find but loose one another over and over.  Tension builds as the two cross each other’s paths only to be separated yet again, longing to be together.

The woman describes her desire to be “kissed and kissed again” by her soon-to-be husband, gushes over the intoxication of his scent and calls his love “sweeter than wine” (Song of Songs 1:2-3).

The man in the story describes his new wife physically from head-to-toe, delighting in what he sees (Song of Songs 4:1-5).

The excitement of their physical attraction cumulates as the wife invites her husband to finally come and fully experience her body (Song of Songs 4:16). 

The Song of Songs then continues on with some of the steamiest language not only in the bible but in the history of Hebrew literature.  This book was almost kept out of the bible over concerns that it would tempt readers to lust. 

So…what is this even doing in the bible?  In my research, I found a few different interpretations of this book:

  1. In Jewish tradition, the man and his wife are a representation of God’s relationship with Israel
  2. In Christianity, the man and the wife represent Christ’s relationship with his bride, the Church
  3. It’s a collection of ancient love poetry meant to display the heavenly gift of romantic love

The third interpretation seems to be what many modern scholars can universally agree on.  With the garden imagery in Song of Songs, it is thought to harken back to the Garden of Eden before the fall of man.  The couple in Song of Songs’ love is untainted by sin, innocent, pure.  They’re together, naked and unashamed.        

So, does this mean there’s an entire book of the bible that is devoted to celebrating romantic love and…sex?

It sure seems that way!               

The Song of Songs doesn’t shy away from detail and isn’t prudish; these two characters are relishing in their attraction for one another and enjoying every moment of it.

In this post I want to explore a different take on sex than you may be used to.  In a culture of instant gratification, I want to slow things down for a bit.  I want to call us to higher thinking and give us the opportunity to restore sex back to the place of respect and importance it deserves in our hearts and in our minds.   

What May God think About Sex? 

Given Christian culture and stereotypes, it may seem like His stance is limited to: “Don’t do it.  If you’re married you can do it.  But even then, be careful not to enjoy it too much.”

I think the decadent and indulgent romantic imagery in the Song of Songs goes a long way to say otherwise. 

I think God invented sex and He knew what He was doing.  I think He knew what a powerful, earth-shaking, life-changing, life-giving, bonding, incredible gift He was bestowing upon humanity.  As with anything else that is so extremely powerful, I think He wisely gives us parameters in which to experience it safely and optimally.

A fire is a mesmerizingly beautiful and powerful source of heat when it’s contained in a fireplace but has the potential to kill and destroy when it has escaped into a home or is let loose in a forest.  A razor-sharp knife is perfectly equipped to prepare an incredible meal, slicing through meat and vegetables but the same knife can be used to stab someone to death.

Let’s Try To Imagine What God May Have Originally Intended Sex To Be Like And Why.

Image by CANDICE CANDICE from Pixabay 

To unpack this, erase for a moment everything you know and have experienced about sex.  I know that’s difficult.  Close your eyes for a moment and imagine an intelligent designer creating a beautiful world with oxygen for us to breathe, water for us to drink, hills to run up and down, colorful flowers, all kinds of different animals and a sun to light the whole place up.

All the way back to the Garden of Eden, God thought of how much better this world would be to enjoy with companionship.  So, he presented Adam with Eve.

None of us can understand God’s thoughts or how He does things but I know that God is all-knowing and that His character is perfect.  He made this precious, fun and special thing called sex but He also knew He was introducing it into a fallen world.  His beloved humans that He created in His image with hearts, thoughts and emotions had also inherited Adam’s sin nature.  No doubt they will make mistakes and misuse this gift of sex to abuse one another and obtain selfish pleasure.  It’s only human.     

It makes sense that He would design parameters for sex to be within marriage the way He did: one man, one woman, meant to last forever.  He knows how deeply beautiful and bonding sex is and how it usually has the natural side effect of bringing another human into the world.  I assume He would want all of this to be experienced within the safe confines and structure of two people promising to be there for each other, only to be separated by death itself.

I think a kind and intelligent creator who wanted fragile, fallen people to stay together for life would also set things up to make this easier on them.  The extra boost provided by the chemicals released during sex seem to do just that.  Oxytocin, which is released during sex, acts as human superglue and helps to create an emotional bond.  The more sex you have, the tighter the bond that’s created.  Oxytocin is also shown to increase fidelity.  One study showed that men given oxytocin who were in monogamous relationships kept a further distance away from attractive females than a group of men who were given placebos.

Maybe this is part of the reason why the bible tells husbands and wives not to deny one another sex but rather to be available to each other physically (1 Corinthians 7:5). 

The way a woman’s monthly cycle is set up also hints to a creator who made sex for more than just procreation alone.  A woman’s fertility window is only six days maximum of any given month.  If sex is for reproduction alone, making women fertile every single day seems more practical.                

But There’s Unmarried People Who Are Having Sex and Love Each other Just Fine. There are Christians who are Married and Are a Total Mess. 

This is 100% true.  I think Christians are quick to judge and invalidate non-Christian’s relationships and send them to Hell in their minds because they’re having sex and living together, etc.  But I think this misses the whole point of the gospel. 

Yes, fornication (sex outside of marriage) is sexual immorality and it is sin in the eyes of God.  But the judgmental and self-righteous shouldn’t forget that during the Sermon on the Mount Jesus also said:

“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’  But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28). 

I love how this verse captures the heart of God and how seriously He takes how people treat one another.  He’s so sensitive, aware and intimately acquainted with us that He wants even our thought-lives to be pure.  The God of the Universe looks way deeper than just our surface actions.   

If you’re saying, “well that’s impossible; I can never live up to that standard!”  That’s the point; God’s standard is perfection and it is impossible for us to uphold.  None of us can do it.  This is why Jesus lived a sinless life and was sacrificed for all of our sins.  Just believing in that sacrifice grants you Christ’s imputed righteousness and right-standing with God. 

This doesn’t mean you no longer mess up but the gift of the Holy Spirit that God gives you when you accept Him can actually change you and make you want to sin less.  Sinning less isn’t about performance, it’s a biproduct of the relationship you have with Jesus.  This is an amazing presentation of the gospel if you want to know more about how this all works. 

God’s Design For Sex Feels So Outdated Today.

Living in the modern world, a lot of the natural consequences of sex like pregnancy and STDs are generally easy to prevent or erase.  The pairing of sex with love and responsibility and life-long commitment no longer seems super necessary. 

There is also a massive delay of graduating into adulthood today.  People are maturing way later than in past generations.  It feels illogical and cruel for someone to wait all of the years from the onset of puberty to well into their 30s or so to ever have sex.  But that is the reality we face today with the modern-day dilemma of delayed maturity.  When the gap between puberty and adulthood wasn’t as massive, I bet waiting until marriage didn’t feel as difficult or seem as crazy as it does today.   

It feels really difficult to strip sex down to such a simple image.  It almost seems just too Disneyland or fairytale-like.  I think one of the things that tugs on my heart the most about thinking of this image is the purity of it.  I think it’s hard to imagine what God’s original intentions for sex could have been because we live in such a dark world. It’s hard to imagine something being so easy and so good. 

When I picture this image of marriage and sex being paired together from a pure perspective it logically makes sense. It seems like what a loving father would want for their child: peace, order, protection and stability mixed with bliss, fun, fulfillment and enjoyment. 

But We’re So Desensitized.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay 

If you’ve ever committed to cleaning up your diet and eating very naturally, you will totally understand this metaphor.  Suddenly, when you start eating foods from the earth, an apple is sweet enough and manufactured, sugar-laden candies taste sickeningly sweet.  But if you go back to eating the man-made stuff, it doesn’t take way too long for your body to readjust.  Suddenly the deliciously sweet apple just tastes basic.

The same can be said when it comes to our attraction responses.  If we’re used to going from 0-100 with people physically and seeing a lot of people naked all the time, there is an underlying and low-level numbing effect.  It happens gradually and it’s hard to notice it until you step away and purposely slow down. 

Just like with the natural sweetness of the apple, when you’re not engaging physically and not exposed to overly-sexualized imagery, small things start to become more special again.  Even just the brush of the hand of someone you’re attracted to feels foreign and exciting; as it should be.  There’s something sweet and sacred about that. 

Sex Is Meaningful.

In business, a handshake is used to seal a deal.  There is a certain moral expectation if you “shake” on something.  If your business partner turns out to be a betrayer, the betrayal will likely sting in a deeper way if you previously shook hands on a deal.  A handshake represents reinforcing a mutual agreement by adding an extra assurance of integrity. 

A “pinky-swear” is similar.  Every schoolgirl understands the seriousness of a pinky-swear.  I even recently had a friend who is a grown man ask me to “pinky-swear” him that I would watch one of his favorite movies that I had never seen prior to his birthday as a present to him. 

You better believe I watched that movie…I can’t break a pinky-swear!

If tiny, fully-clothed physical gestures like handshakes and pinky-swears bond us in a powerful way to one another, how can something as involved and intimate as sex not?

I want to affirm you that If you think sex is meaningful you are not a weirdo.  You are not childish.  You don’t need to just chill out.  I hope you keep your heart soft and sensitive and that you never feel ashamed or shamed, pushed or pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do.

In The Bible, Marriage Is Meant To Symbolize The Relationship Between Christ and His People.

Forever present, abundantly loving and self-sacrificing to the point of death.  These are the truths of who Jesus is to those who believe.  This post isn’t about marriage but since God asks that sex take place only within marriage, it seems important to mention.  The symbolism Paul mentions in Ephesians 5:21-33 explains why Christ-followers believe that marriage is defined as one man, one woman for life and illustrates a living example of the relationship that Jesus has with His people.  You don’t have to agree with that but I hope it at least gives clarity and helps to make sense as to why Christians believe what we believe about marriage.              

Is Sex Keeping You Away From God?

Image by Thomas H. from Pixabay 

All of this talk about the way God views sex; it can feel pretty restrictive. I feel like I can talk about this openly because my entire life, sex was 100% the barrier against me wanting to have anything to do with the God of the bible.  I wasn’t raised in church but I still had the faint awareness that since I was sexually active, I wasn’t allowed to ever be a part of “the club.”

When I finally got tired of my way of doing things and totally stopped dating and stopped having sex, there was a 2-month span where I had the greatest clarity I had ever felt.  Sitting in silence, I remember actually feeling dirty from my lifestyle for the first time ever.  I believe this was God allowing me to feel the weight and reality of my choices over the previous years.  I didn’t even believe in God but somehow, I knew on a core level that I needed to apologize and get right with Him.

I thought that since I had already done a lot of things I knew “God doesn’t like” that I wasn’t even allowed to try to talk to Him.  That if I ever tried to talk to Him, He would be there to beat me with a stick and throw back into my face all of the many reasons that He would be sending me to Hell.  The truth of what God may think of me, if He existed, filled me with fear and discomfort. 

I want you to know that no matter what you’ve done or been through, Jesus loves you and He still wants to hear from you.

He’s not waiting to beat you with a stick.  He’s waiting to listen, to answer your questions about Him, to prove to you that He’s real and that He’s been with you all along.  He wants to save, forgive, heal and have a relationship with you.

It doesn’t matter what you’re dealing with.  Jesus isn’t intimidated and He can handle it. If you feel trapped and stuck living in a lifestyle or identity that doesn’t feel quite right to you but you assumed must just be who you are; it doesn’t have to be that way. God is not the enemy. He is for you.  Check out some of these stories:

Former Porn star FINDS HOPE and a Second Chance | Josh Broome’s Story

Change of Affection: A Gay Man’s Incredible Story of Redemption

Equip 2019 – Pulse Nightclub Survivors Angel & Luis’ Testimony

Derek’s Story: Finding Forgiveness After Four Abortions

God loves you the way you are but He also loves you too much to let you stay that way. 

He cares about your sex life and wants to give you a fresh start.  A start where He can lead you in an alternative to culture’s way of viewing and living your sexuality.  A way that is rich, meaningful and overflowing with protection.

His way.    

Just like He did with the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8:4-11:

“’Teacher,’ they said to Jesus, ‘this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?’”

 They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, ‘All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!’ Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

 When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?‘

‘No, Lord,’ she said.

And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”‘

❤

New Blog Series: The Sex, Love and Dating Chronicles

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Introducing a new MakeMeRealMovement.com blog series: The Sex, Love & Dating Chronicles.  This is not a kiss and tell.  This is a conversation starter for anyone who is sick of the wash, rinse, repeat cycle of:

  • swiping left & right
  • feeling like you’re dating the same person over & over in a different body
  • feeling like you’re disposable or finding yourself treating others like they are
  • hookups that start feeling pointless
  • hoping for something real but continually feeling let down and wondering…

is this all there is?

If this is you; I feel you and I’ve been there.

If you’re feeling burned out on culture’s way of doing things, I wanna offer you an alternative view point.  I wanna offer you a glimpse inside of the things I’ve learned through 5 ½ years of my journey of letting God shape and transform the way I view and approach sex, love and dating. 

I want to tell you the things I wish someone would have told me.  Whether or not I would have listened is a whole other story.  But it’s at least nice to have a clear presentation of a different way of thinking to make that decision for ourselves.

I’ll be delving into these three topics and answering questions like:

Sex- What could God maybe have been thinking when he invented it?  What does He think of it? Are we desensitized as a culture?  Is sex keeping you away from God?

Love- What is love?  How does God love?  What does it mean to love people well?  Does loving like Jesus mean being a doormat or enduring abuse?

Dating- How can I approach dating as the best version of myself?  How can I date with integrity?  How do I avoid wasting time, getting hurt or hurting others? 

I’m so excited to share and I’d love to have you join me. New posts for the next three Wednesdays, starting next week ❤

Post schedule:

Sex: Wednesday June 23, 2021

Love: Wednesday June 30, 2021

Dating: Wednesday July 7th, 2021

20 things I learned in 2020

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A highlight of 2020. First time visiting Lake Tahoe, Calif. Photo cred: @pwoods20

In just a few hours the year 2020 will officially be coming to a close. Of course there’s a lot that can be said about this year. Regardless of what you’ve been thorough, if you’re reading this, through the good and the bad, you’re still alive; there’s still hope for better days ahead 🙂

I’ve been reflecting a lot on all that this year has meant to me and I keep coming back to all of the lessons I’ve learned. Some of them are deeply personal and there’s way more than the 20 listed below. I picked out the ones I felt could be most helpful and applicable to others and in the spirit of love and encouragement; I’ve shared them below.

20 Things I learned in 2020:

1. God is bigger than a broken heart. 

Always has been, always will be. #keepgoing ❤

2. I’ve come to appreciate the blessing of “boring” days.

Before 2020 my life was usually running at 100mph. An entire day passing by with nothing significant happening felt like a loss and would induce feelings of guilt if I wasn’t making progress towards a goal or living some kind of exciting adventure. However, this year, after being forced to slow down, sit and think; I’ve really began to appreciate the days that go by without any trauma or drama.

“No news is good news” is what I’ve found myself saying so many times with all that ‘s been happening this year. I’ve felt extremely grateful for all of the little things. 1 Timothy 6:6-8 describes the perspective I want to hold onto: “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.   After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.”

3. I learned to ask myself “what are they getting out of this?”

Recently I was hanging out with a friend and her bae. I was telling them about a situation I was going through with someone in my life that was making me feel uncomfortable. Something was wrong and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it and wasn’t sure how to handle it. They both listened and then my friend’s man asked me flat out: “what is that person getting out of this situation with you?” 

The simplicity of the question really hit me and as I attempted to sort out their potential motive, I was quickly able to identify why it was bothering me so much.    I then had to think and ask myself if I wanted to and was even capable of filling the role they wanted me to play in their life.  From there I was able to make the adjustments needed to remedy the situation. 

4. It’s okay to take a break from social media and it’s okay to use it too. 

It’s been quite a year online.  I’m sure most people reading this have had their own unique experiences and frustrations this year.  Needing a moment away is totally okay.  If you’re a slow processor like I am, sometimes all of the information and constant connection to others can feel overwhelming.  There’s no shame in not being constantly plugged in; though sometimes the pressure to keep up appearances online can be real. 

On the other hand, at times, I also think social media can also be fun, creative and interesting.  I just know personally I’ve spent a lot of time this year stressing about my own use of this platform and sometimes its easy to forget that it’s all totally optional and you’re in control of what you share and don’t share and what you take in and don’t take in. 

5. Resilience and adaptability are key traits to master.

With all the openings and closings…and closing and openings…..and closings… of this year, having an attitude where you’re able to make a game plan and then totally scrap it and go back to the drawing board (multiple times) has been essential.  At first, this really, really irritated me.  I used to get attached to doing things a certain way and I’d get really annoyed if I had to adjust it and take a long time to finally force myself (begrudgingly) to go along with any change that I didn’t like. 

That attitude got me nowhere fast this year.  Major changes were happening rapidly whether I liked it or not and I was enrolled, along with everyone else in the world, in a crash course in Bouncing Back and Rolling with the Punches. These traits serve well not just dealing with all the strangeness of 2020 but for all aspects of work and life. I hated it at the time but now I am grateful for the new strength this year has built within me.

6. Don’t shut your brain off and just receive anything and everything said in church or bible studies from leaders or other believers.   

Knowing the Word of God for yourself is crucial for several reasons.  One major reason is so that you aren’t just a passive recipient of whatever anyone teaching says.  If you hear something that sounds off to what you’ve read in the actual bible, don’t be afraid to dig, read and question extensively until you have a correct understanding that aligns with the truth of what’s being communicated in the biblical text in proper context.  This helps protect you from being misled whether intentionally or unintentionally.     

7. Don’t put leaders/pastors/mentors on a pedestal and be careful not allow anyone to put you on one either. 

This year I experienced how jarring it can be when people I’ve looked up to shattered my perception of them by revealing themselves to be all too human. I’ve also felt the weight of not living up to others’ expectations of me.  There is a process of mourning and picking up the pieces after experiences like that but, ultimately it taught me:  

8. No one is responsible for or capable of fixing, changing, saving and/or healing me and I am not responsible for or capable of fixing, changing, saving and/or healing anyone. 

I learned that we can love, respect and learn from one another but when someone else takes a God-like position in my life or I take that kind of position in theirs, the outcome is inevitably going to be pain because we weren’t designed or meant to have that kind of influence over one another. 

9. I realized how much perfectionism was paralyzing me and I got free by purposely doing things “imperfectly.” 

This is not to be confused with doing things poorly but doing things in a way that appears to yield less significant results than you’re used to. For example, if I didn’t feel like reading because I didn’t have time to finish a whole chapter, I forced myself to just read a few pages and then put the book away.  Or if I didn’t feel like doing a full workout, I would just do something short and be done with it. 

In the past, the idea of doing things like this would drive me crazy because my attitude was “why do anything at all if you aren’t going to go full out with it;” which would push me to the extremes of exhausting myself with doing everything and feeling overwhelmed or simply doing nothing at all.  Finding that middle-ground of just doing “some” of something was tough at first but it really is practicing these baby steps more frequently that is allowing me to improve in so many areas of life.     

10. There’s purpose in pain & sometimes the purpose takes years to finally make any sense. 

Sometimes it’s during the extremely long time-lapse between when things fell apart and when they ultimately come together that the loss of hope can truly set in.  Like “why did this all have to happen?  I see no better days anywhere in sight.”  But like I’ve heard before, “if you’re going through hell, just.keep.going.”  I know so many people who can attest to this and I can as well. 

11. I stopped taking red flags as “caution signs” but now recognize them as “stop right now” signs. 

Throughout a lot of my life when I would have a funny feeling about someone or something, I would stay in the situation but I would “proceed with caution.”  Looking back at it, every situation like that I’ve ever been in, I knew something was off but I still let it continue.  I wouldn’t trade it because going through those situations is how you gain wisdom. 

However, now I’ve begun to take those intuitions as God giving me the heads-up to just shut the situation entirely down.  I’ve learned you can put out a fire at the first sign of smoke and you don’t have to wait until the whole house is literally burning down in front of your face. 

12. Some very humble advice reminded me of what is most important.

Recently, I was lucky enough to meet with a successful professional in the film industry and he encouraged me to keep going on my path.  What he told me really hit my heart in a way I didn’t expect. 

What did he tell me?  Take this or that class? Make sure to get into this circle and network with so-and-so? No.  His advice:

“Stay in the word of God daily.”

The best advice I have ever received.  #priorities ❤

13. When I was little, my grandma told me, “if you only ever have one true friend in this lifetime consider yourself lucky.”  This year those words really sank in.

Maybe it was the general ugliness of a lot of this year but lately I’ve really felt deeper gratitude in the gravity of the blessing of having even just one real, true, genuine friendship in this life and I’ve felt a more intense appreciation for all of my loved ones.  

14. I’ve learned a question to ask myself to gently push myself to grow more.

I was recently offered an amazing opportunity to work on a project I felt very passionate about.  I knew the project would need and deserve my time, dedication and best efforts.  I was excited but I was slightly hesitant and took a little time deciding if I would accept the job; it would require a lot of research on my part and it would require me stretching my current skill set. 

While deciding; I asked myself: “is it that this is too hard or is it just challenging?”  I concluded that it was definitely not “hard” but definitely challenging.  Challenging in a good, sharpening way. 

So, I said yes. : )  

15. I learned that seeking to possess the traits listed in Galatians 5:22-23 actually help us weather the storms of life. 

 “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”  These traits are commonly referred to as “the fruit of the Spirit.”  I think this is a beautiful list but would sometimes roll my eyes at the characteristics where I felt like I lacked because I knew I could and should be doing better. 

However, 2020 taught me that the more patience and self-control I have, the easier the hard times have been.  The more joy and love I have, the more I’ve been able to find the sweet moments and gratitude in daily life in the midst of the monotony of quarantine.    

16. When I feel overwhelmed or am tempted to be lazy with the opportunities coming my way, I’ve reframed my thinking to look at these things as beautiful tasks that God is entrusting me with.

I don’t have to do these things; I get to do these things.  Things I’ve dreamed of.  Things I’ve prayed for.  Things the struggles I’ve had have prepared me to be capable of handling.  And I get the opportunity to participate and add my voice and efforts to life on this earth.  The world will keep spinning without any of the things I contribute but I get to partake in this.  And I want to honor that.   

17. God knows infinitely better than us what we are ready for and what we can handle.

I found out a lot of times over this past year that I’ve both overestimated and underestimated my readiness for certain things in life.  There’s been things I’ve been given the chance to do and I’ve said, “wait God, already?  I’m not ready”… only to take the opportunity and feel total peace and comfort in the driver’s seat and able to handle the situation. 

Then, there’s been other things where I’ve been like “God!  I was ready a YEAR ago…what’s up”…but the thing still has yet to happen.  I’ve gotten to the point where I am relinquishing control of feeling like I know the timeline for my life better than God because too many instances have proven that I don’t.  #trust #surrender

18. And not being “ready” isn’t a bad thing. 

It’s not a reflection or statement on our worth, character, maturity level, lovability, skills, potential, etc. As a child of God, your worth is fixed and doesn’t fluctuate based on the events of life and what you have or don’t have.  “Not ready” means literally not ready with no subtext hidden within it.  It’s just not time and that’s totally fine.   

19. This year I grew a much deeper understanding of Matthew 20 25-28 and an even greater appreciation for Jesus’s approach to leadership:

“But Jesus called them together and said, ‘you know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different.  Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

20. I’ve acquired a more balanced, realistic and peaceful relationship with my body.

I can’t pinpoint exactly how or when it happened but somewhere along the line during quarantine something miraculous happened: I stopped hating on my body.  I’ve always taken care of my appearance and loved many things about what I saw in the mirror but the fuel behind the self-care was often an underlying bullying towards myself; zeroing in mercilessly on what I didn’t like and trying to “fix” it. 

I credit a big part of this change to a precious friend that I’ve done workout accountability with throughout the whole pandemic.  She’s encouraged my victories and cheered me on during my times of inconsistency as well.  This has given me the security to know that my wins are great and if I fall off a little, there’s no shame and to get back to it with no condemnation.  I’ve began taking inventory of all I love about my body; the way it looks, feels and all it does for me on a daily basis as I experience life. 

Judging our bodies so harshly is like throwing away our entire wallet just because a $1 bill fell out.  I can’t take credit for that saying; I don’t remember where I heard it.  But essentially, it’s crazy to beat ourselves up about our perceived imperfections when our hearts beat, our eyes see, ears hear, hands can hold and feet can walk…if we’re fortunate enough to have those capabilities…we are beyond blessed and our bodies are amazing.

So that is all I have to close out this crazy, historical year. Things certainly won’t magically change when the clock strikes midnight but I definitely think there’s beauty in giving thanks for the lessons learned and pushing optimistically into the future.

xoxo ❤

Danielle

Walking collectively with a limp: Life halfway through 2020

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Walking. Vancouver, Canada. Summer 2016. Photo credit @jen_yeager

The Year of 20/20 Vision.  Perfect Focus. Clarity.

Towards the end of 2019, the year 2020 was being prophesied about enthusiastically.

 “This is going be my year,” many people felt.

For me, 2019 was a year of great leaps.  It was the year I happily began sharing my story of the radical transformation that God has done in my life and connecting with others in the hopes of encouraging them that they can overcome anything. 

It was also the year I felt ready to open my heart romantically again after about 3 ½ years of not dating whatsoever. 

I learned so much in 2019 and grew in ways I never anticipated.      

However, the very end of 2019 hit me like a series of unrelenting tidal waves: a handful of personal relationships ended, an event team I loved cut the program I worked on and my family rang in 2020 with the funeral of my brother’s best friend all the way since childhood who passed away tragically and unexpectedly on New Year’s Day. 

At the start of 2020 I didn’t write very much because honestly, I didn’t know what to say.  I wanted to uplift others and yet my own faith was hanging on by a thread.

I just thank God so much for work.  Having an extremely full schedule during this time softened the blows of this season and forced me to keep walking forward; although literally every step I took, it felt like I was limping. 

As I wrestled daily through my own feelings of sadness and hollowness, I was in communication with several friends who began confiding in me about their own bumpy starts to 2020: deaths on top of deaths, rejections, traumas and setbacks. 

It felt like a dark cloud hovering over what was supposed to be such a great year.

Around March I finally began to feel strong again and that’s when “2020” as we know it thus far truly hit.  And it just kept on hitting:   

World-wide pandemic.  Shut-down.  Uncertainty.  Sickness.  Death.  Racism and racial injustice brought unignorably to the forefront. 

I was on church Zoom calls where stories of sicknesses and deaths of family members were a sad reality.  I attended a Zoom funeral.    

I’ve listened as several of my closest black friends and family members opened their hearts on a whole new level.  They have been vulnerable enough to let me into their sacred spaces of pain and elaborate on the true depths and realities of their own experiences of the indisputable, blatant and repeated racism they have faced throughout their lives. 

I’ve felt the worries and sadness of close friends who have brothers and husbands who are in law enforcement and who are genuinely some of the good guys. 

I’ve spoken with friends with pre-existing anxiety and depression who have felt driven to the edge due to months of isolation and uncertainty. 

Mass job losses and relocations.  Passions, plans and dreams put on hold; indefinitely.    

It’s been a season of almost all of us coming face-to-face with the unpredictable, uncontrollable, harshest and darkest realities of life.

Six months into 2020 and it feels like the entire human race is collectively limping.

Sitting in contemplation of all of this makes me wonder: what if the truth is that we’re always limping but we just don’t notice it until times are desperate? 

What if the way that this time is affecting almost all of us in some kind of profound way is just evidence of the fragility of the human condition? 

Maybe we are always this delicate but life going on as normal allows us the illusion of feeling somewhat in control. 

In reality, we’re always just a phone call away from things never being the same.

 One heart beat away from facing the inevitability of our own life slipping away.

But what if 2020 really is the year of 20/20 vision after all; maybe just not in the way that we thought?

Isaiah 55:9 says “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

While our original goals for 2020 may have been noble, maybe God’s priorities for this year are even higher.  

Maybe through the midst of our collective pain He wants to heal us and simultaneously refine and guide us to grow in strength, endurance, hope and humility and expand our capacity for empathy and compassion. 

Maybe He wants to deal with us individually and guide us to right our wrongs, challenge our mindsets and bring all of the things that are really important to the surface.      

Marinating on all that life has thrown our way this year and everything that has been laid-out in front of us, I think #goals for the second half of the year would be to slowly progress from limping to walking in power and righteousness as described in Micah 6:8:

“The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you; to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

I hope as you finish reading this you receive peace to endure your present circumstances and a sense of renewed strength to walk boldly into your future.

I also hope we don’t all move on too quickly from remembering how it feels to be so collectively shaken.  I hope and pray that our hearts stay soft enough and our minds stay open enough to continue to contemplate life; where we’ve come from and where we are going ❤ 

xoxo,

Danielle 

Single in Quarantine: Reflections on Proverbs 31:12

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Just hanging out. Vancouver, Canada. Summer 2016.

It’s an interesting time for almost everyone right now and perhaps a particularly unique time to be single. 

In times like this, sometimes it can feel kind of like you’re just floating in the world and there can be a temptation to relax your standards or entertain things you normally wouldn’t. 

It’s kind of like how it feels senior year during finals week when you have completed all your exams but you still have to go to school.  Behavior is lax because “it’s not like it’s a ‘real’ school week.” 

The same way it feels like what’s happening in the world isn’t quite real.

A few times in quarantine I’ve found myself mentally entertaining scenarios that I normally would shut down immediately and not even explore. For a split second the “but God, it’s not a real school week” mentality invaded my consciousness.

I think it’s the uncomfortable stagnancy of the present and the ambiguity of the future that can allow us to forget about the big picture.    

This post is for anyone who is feeling pulled in directions they know they shouldn’t go and under normal circumstances wouldn’t even have the desire to go. 

My hope is that it will encourage you to focus back on the path and to remind you that the decisions we make in our love lives now hold just as much weight as ever and to empower you to make the right ones for your future, even now. 

Today I was on my daily walk and a verse from Proverbs randomly popped into my head:

“She brings him good, not harm all of the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).

This verse is essentially explaining some of the qualities of a good wife.

Immediately after the verse popped into my head, I heard the words “that doesn’t have to start when you meet the person, that can be right now.”

“ALL of the days of her life.” 

Even these days.  These groundhog days.  These endless hours of whatever-you-choose-to-fill-them-with days.

The decisions we make now are just as important now as any other time.  Are we making decisions right now that will ultimately bring our future husbands or wives good and not harm all of the days of their lives?

Right now, it may feel okay to entertain that random text message or let that person come over because times are strange but how will this affect the very thing you’ve been having faith for; for possibly years now?

Hebrews 11:1 Defines faith as “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

In this season it feels like a lot of things are unknown and unseen but as always, the only person I can control is me.  I can’t control God’s timing or if He has someone for me or not and let’s be real; in life that’s not a guarantee or a promise, period. 

In my situation, I believe that God does have someone for me but even if it doesn’t happen, my intention is that I live a life where I set myself up in the best position to receive the love I desire and make proactive choices to get there. 

It is important to me that my heart position is pure; to wait for the right man and to set my life up even in singleness in a way that I am a blessing to Him when our paths do cross.  This is not passively waiting. This is action-based and I like that.    

Like any other dream, you do what you know to do, don’t give up and continue working towards it in faith. 

Whatever this means for you in your own particular situation, you know.

Perhaps the most common barrier is the concept that the seat next to you can’t be open for the right person if it’s being occupied by the wrong person; whether that means you’re actually physically with someone you know in your heart isn’t the right one or someone is inappropriately taking up so much space in your thoughts that you might as well be with them.

I know no one wants to hear that but I’m not telling you something I haven’t personally gone through myself and if you need help walking away from someone or something feel free to message me and I’m happy to listen and encourage you through it.   

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that better exists in a culture where we’re bombarded with examples that show hook-ups, short attention spans and fickleness as the norm.  But those are lies.

I remember when I was in the heights of my experimental days and I was making super interesting choices in my love life. 

My mom would tell me, “Danielle, you can do so much better.” 

I would respond, “okay, show me better then!” 

I had lost hope that better existed and on top of that I was impatient so it was easy to settle in my heart that what I was coming across was all there was and accept almost any kind of treatment.

However, I have witnessed that there are still plenty of people out there who desire and are ready to build a healthy, fun, flourishing and life-giving relationship and are happy to commit to work to continue to growing that connection in marriage. 

If you start to doubt this, consider any real-life examples you know of healthy (but of course not perfect) couples and cling tightly to those and don’t let go.

It doesn’t matter if it’s 2020 and the general consensus is that this type of love doesn’t exist anymore.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and He is still all about relationships that take place within the safe and supportive environment of lifelong commitment.  

He, himself is a God of honesty, of loyalty, of covenant.  He knows what you need in every season of your life.  Pandemic or not, it’s still okay to be bold, counter-cultural and crazy enough to trust Him completely with your love life.    

xoxo ❤

Danielle

Quarantine Glow Up: God Heals

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This is a picture from a photo shoot I did with my friend Athena right before the Covid-19 quarantine became increasingly strict. 

We had done a previous photo shoot together almost exactly this time last year and somehow; despite all of the madness going on in the world right now, there was a distinct sense of peace over our shoot this time.

“Girl, I just feel different this time.  I feel really good; just like settled,” I told her.

She laughed and said, “it’s probably because you’re so well rested because there’s nothing else to do!”

This could be the case.  While some of us are working during this time like nothing happened, that’s not my story and it’s not many other people’s story; all of the work and projects I had booked are postponed until further notice. 

So, what to do?  There’s a lot of things we can focus on during this time.  I see lots of people talking about their #quarantineglowup in a physical sense and I am all for that. 

I am always an advocate of trying to look our best and if we’re privileged enough to have the luxury, why not use this time to jump even deeper into our beauty, wellness and fitness regimes since time allows for it.        

But there’s another glow up that is worthy of our focus as well; a spiritual one. 

I was praying last night about some deep stuff; stuff from like playground years.  The kind of stuff you know you should get to the bottom of but it’s always super hard, annoying and painful to go there. 

Frankly, it’s something I am irritated that I’ve had to seek such constant healing about over the years and I struggle to get to where I feel totally at peace with it.  I don’t like the process; it’s uncomfortable, ugly and painful. 

Last night through a very simple conversation with God, he dropped something new into my spirit about the situation that was seemingly small but somehow brought me to new dimensions of understanding…it brought a significant level of new healing. 

I realized that this isn’t meant to quick.  It’s meant to be a process and sometimes it’s going to look worse before it looks better. 

This idea of “worse before better” can be like what it is like when we go to an actual spa.

I think we can all agree that most beauty treatments have us looking pretty crazy mid-way through. 

When we’re getting scrubbed down and exfoliated our skin looks red, splotchy and irritated but that is the process it takes to remove the dead skin cells to reveal fresh, soft and glowing skin.

When we’re in the process of getting a pedicure, our feet look like we’ve been kicking bricks as we sit there, polish free and mid-callous removal.

When we get our hair colored, we spend a big chunk of the time looking like aliens with aluminum foil protruding from our heads like futuristic antennas.

Not only do we look way less glamorous than we are used to; sometimes we are also more open and susceptible to harm during these times of extreme beauty renovation.

I remember when I used to go to this infrared sauna placed in Hollywood and they would tell me after each session to be careful because at this time my pores were super open.

Due to this, my skin would be more prone to ingesting toxins in the environment, the dirt, the pollution and anything I let get close to my skin while my pores were so open.   

Likewise, spiritually when we’re going through this process, we are open and exposed.  I’ve learned that Jesus is literally the perfect person to know what to do with us in these moments and we can trust Him in our uncomfortable and vulnerable state.         

Just like all my girls know, lotion never applies as smooth and skin never radiates as brightly as it does after you properly exfoliate, steam and apply a mask. 

Similarly, spiritually, as you go through the intensive and often lengthy process of opening up and getting brutally honest with God you begin to enjoy the glow that only all of the time spent deliberately surrendering to that process can produce.    

And the same way that a nail spot won’t charge you and throw you out into the streets mid-manicure in your unfinished state; God won’t do that either.

“And I am certain that God, who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). 

He’s patient with us and walks with us through our entire process until it is complete.    

All of the hair and nail salons may be closed right now but the spiritual spa is always open and the owner is always available throughout the day and into all hours of the night.  He is a gentleman and if you come close to Him, He will come close to you (James 4:8).    

This may not get you the blatantly obvious Instagram-type glow up gains but the gains earned will be gains where it’s most important. The benefits will far exceed any likes on social media.

xoxo,

Danielle

End of the year cleanse: detoxing from limiting beliefs

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My 6-year-old self in the polka dot dress with the pink belt. At my childhood friend’s Birthday party where a clown told me to sit down, November 1994.

The end of 2019 is rapidly approaching and I am, as I assume many of us are, reflecting on this past year; the struggles and the triumphs.  As I take inventory and put everything from this year into perspective, one thing I realize I want to leave behind in 2019 are all of my limiting beliefs.    

A limiting belief is a restrictive thought or idea that we accept as truth which holds us down and can cripple us in our efforts to achieve all that we are meant to.  Limiting beliefs are often formed through past experiences and can feel extremely difficult to overcome. 

Here I will share two limiting beliefs I have identified in my own life and two ways I am purging them from my system.  The examples I chose to share here are intentionally drawn from light-hearted experiences; my objective with this isn’t to dive deep into my and other people’s more disturbing past personal traumas but instead just to show that even these innocent and seemingly insignificant examples still produced powerful limiting beliefs; so how much greater are the effects of the darker experiences we’ve had?  God help us to heal from all of the experiences which have hindered us, whether big or small.

Two of my limiting beliefs:

“It’s okay for everyone else to step out and go for it…but not you”

I can vividly recall an experience at my friend’s 5th birthday party where there was a clown giving out balloon animals.  The clown was going down the rows of children and distributing the balloons to each child in the order we were sitting in but at a certain point kids just started jumping up randomly and taking other kid’s balloons before it was their turn.  The clown and everyone else laughed as each of these kids intercepted the kid who should have been next.  After 2 or 3 kids jumped up and received their balloons before their rightful turn, I thought it would be fun to join in.  I jumped up and expected to receive a balloon and also the laughs just as the children before me had.  However, by the time I hopped up, the clown was over it and sternly said to me, “okay now that’s enough, sit down” and refused to give me a balloon until the end.  So instead of the light-hearted response the other kids had received, when I stepped out I was met with a harsh response and I had no context to understand why but the message that was firmly implanted in my head was “it’s okay for everyone else to step out and go for it…but not you.”

Winning first place in the Field Day Race. I am the little one all the way to the right. Rock Springs Elementary School, March 1996.

“You aren’t allowed to win or outshine others”

I remember as a little girl I enjoyed running; and I was fast!  I was so fast that I actually took home the ribbon for winning first place in the race portion during our Field Day activities my first grade year.  I remember I knew I was a good runner and I was proud of that and unafraid to give it my all during the race.  However, after I won the race that day, I remember something unexpected happened. Instead of feeling excited and accomplished, I remember an intense feeling of guilt washed over me.  While I don’t remember if there were specific words that were spoken to me to put me down, I do just remember feeling extremely ashamed that I won.  I felt that by my achievement, I was indirectly communicating to the other kids that I felt I was somehow better than them and that made me feel discomfort due to the fact that I had overshadowed them.  The belief that was formed around that experience was “you aren’t allowed to win or outshine others.”  When I got a little older and began pursuing acting I carried this mindset into audition situations even having the conscious thought that I would almost prefer someone else to get a role instead of me because if I beat them, I didn’t want them to feel inadequate.  I actively fought against my conflicting desire to want to book things and my strange inclination to feel more comfortable loosing to someone else so I wouldn’t make them “feel bad” or so they wouldn’t secretly dislike me for winning something over them.    

So how am I washing away these limiting beliefs?

1. Re-examining past situations.

It has helped me to pick apart the situations of the past as an adult in the present day, looking at them and explaining them back to myself and seeing the reality of the situation; what happened and what it actually meant.  That clown wasn’t trying to single me out but was just likely frustrated and trying to maintain order and do his job to the best of his ability. The kids who lost to me in the Field Day Race may have felt disappointed but that doesn’t change the fact that I earned the win that day; fair and square. There was nothing to feel bad or ashamed of.

2. Holding my limiting beliefs up against the word of God.

After I became a believer and I learned about all of the promises of God: God has a plan for us and His plans for us are good (Jeremiah 29:11), He can strengthen us (Philippians 4:13), He gives us new chances every day (Lamentations 3:22-23), He tells us to be brave and promises He will never leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6) I began to realize that a lot my limited beliefs just had to go. I came to realize that this God I was beginning to know and trust is way more patient with me than I am with myself and that it’s okay to be imperfect; if I try my best and fall down, I’m encouraged to get back up. I am allowed to step out; to shine. 

So, what are some of your limiting beliefs?  Let’s examine them and get to the truth behind them so we can shake off the outdated lies and enter into 2020 lighter and full of a new hope for all of the beauty this new year will bring ❤

xoxo, Danielle

For all of the encouragers out there: six ways I stay fueled up to love others

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Stopping to smell the roses in Colorado Springs, September 2015.

In one of my recent Instagram stories I asked if anyone had any requests for topics and someone submitted a wonderful one that myself and likely many others can relate to. They wrote:

“The weight of giving; it can be draining and unrewarding, depending on how people react or acknowledge it.  How do you balance that?”

This topic reminds me of this time a few years ago when I felt really let down by a friend of mine.  One day I was hiking Griffith Park and wrestling with how poorly I felt she had treated me when I felt like I had only ever gone out of my way to be a really good friend to her.  When I reached the top of the mountain, in the stillness overlooking the city, I felt a question being posed to me: “if your ‘niceness’ is dependent on how kind other people are to you, how ‘good’ or ‘nice’ are you really?”  I felt like this sounded like something Jesus would say so I did some research and sure enough it was:    

“If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that?  Even corrupt tax collectors do that much” Matthew 5:46.    

The experience with that friend was painful but I feel like God used it to take me on a journey of learning to navigate the fun and sometimes difficult road of trying to be a giver and encourager in a dark and confusing world.  I am by no means perfect at this but here are a few things that help me immensely to keep on keeping on. 

Six ways I stay fueled up to love others:

  1. Embrace my #Extra.  When I first became a Christian, I didn’t totally know what to do with myself.  I was used to living life with no brakes and going “all in.”  I thought, “what is something healthy I can go ‘all in’ with now?”  One day, a verse in Galatians caught my eye: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23.

The “against such things there is no law” part really stood out to me.  So, when I didn’t know what to do with myself, I would go hard in joy.  I aggressively pursued peace both internally and externally.  I would challenge myself to be more patient, kind and loving.  I began celebrating the victories of those around me and would try to make even the tiniest special occasion elaborate and fun.  People recognized my passion and excitement and started calling me “extra” so I just radically embraced this and ran with it.  Today I look up and I am surrounded by friends who also like to celebrate life like no other which has made the journey all the sweeter. 

2. Accept that pain and vulnerability are just the price tags of caring.  When I first opened my heart to Jesus I felt like I was suddenly stripped of all of my defenses.  There was a sudden shift inside of me where I found myself naturally growing into a more sensitive, tuned-in person, aware of and caring about the emotions and experiences of the people around me.  I have heard before that you can’t selectively numb emotions; trying to keep the bad out has a way of keeping the good out too and I feel like I’ve learned that first-hand.  The more you are open and care the more you are susceptible to hurt and that is just the way it is. 

3. Be consistent with self-care.  It’s very hard to pour out of an empty cup.  I check-in with myself multiple times throughout the day and make sure I am taking care of my own needs mentally, physically and emotionally.

4. Spend time with God. When I stay filled up spiritually by spending time with God, I find myself more naturally feeling loving and patient towards others.  The days when I make it a point to immerse myself in prayer, journaling, worship and reading the Word there is a protective container around my heart that empowers me to keep going even when things feel really hard. 

5. Tease out the details and create boundaries accordingly. I have begun to notice there are three components present in whatever I’m dealing with: my feelings/actions/reactions, the other person’s feelings/actions/reactions and then the communal space of the situation between us.  Trying to own my truth and also allowing them to own theirs while using boundaries to respectfully manage how much I want to give, say, etc. in the shared space between us allows freedom and authenticity in the vast majority of situations.

6. Evaluate my actions and stop taking things so personally. Am I giving just to get?  We are all human so it’s hard to do things completely selflessly but trying to make sure that I’m doing things just because I want to regardless of the response has helped me a lot.  The majority of people are just caught up and trying to manage their lives the same way I am and things are rarely personal.  Easing up off myself and others has taken an immense weight off of shoulders.  As one finite being, there’s only so much I can do for anyone and only so much anyone else can do for me. 

What is your perspective on seeking to do good and what helps you keep going when it feels difficult?

Regardless of people’s reactions or the disappointments along the way, please continue to give.  The world needs what you have ❤

xoxo, Danielle